The Log Of Mike Newton diary isn't manly
by Popular Galinda
Summary: This is the diary of Mike Newton during the Twilight Series. This is a parody and it shows how stupid Mike Newton really is. PS: if you like Mike, I suggest you don't read it. I kinda like Mike, I pick him over Jacob any day! Chapter 10 is up
1. Chapter 1

**HELLO! This is my 'second' Twilight fan fiction! My first is a songfic…does that count? I was on youtube and someone made a parody on Twilight in Mike Newton's point of view through his diary. This not like the video it is different, I did not steal her/his material because that would be wrong. **

**I do not own Twilight or Mike Newton **

**I do not own this video clip ****.com/watch?v=-7bGCPul13I**

**Or part two ****.com/watch?v=BhOCpUGpSJQ&feature=related**

Dear Log

I would say diary but that is way too girly for me. Because I'm a tough guy, I'm Mike Newton! Super Mike! Awesome Mike! Sexy Mike! Manly Mike! (note to Mike: stick to Manly Mike…its so manly)

Anyway, today a new girl came into our school. She is so fine…I think I'm falling in love with her. Her name is Bella Swan, she has like weird pale skin even though she told me she was from Phoenix…maybe she put on make up to blend herself with the others.

She has amazing big brown eyes and thick brown hair. I could fall asleep in her eyes and rest my head on her hair. It's like a portable pillow! Maybe that's why girls have lots of hair? To use as pillows! But Bella's pillow is awesome.

The only unfortunate about Bella Swan moving to our school, Tyler and Eric are also flirting with her. I totally saw her first! Everyone knows that! When the first guy starts flirting to the hottie girl, like me, no one can come near. It's funny because she has this disgusted look on her face when they talk to her. Well she does it to be as well but I know she's just doing it for them and secretly loves me.

I was so smooth when I first talked to her. We were in biology. The poor girl had to sit next to Edward Cullen and be his partner for the rest of the year. I watched her to whole lesson as she kept her head down and look up every so often. Damn, she was so hot, Log, seriously, hotter than that chick from that film, you know which one I'm talking about!

Cullen was looking at her like she smelled really really bad. I hope she doesn't stink, I don't want my future wife to smell…that would be embarrassing.

When the bell rang, Cullen ran off and he looked like he got stabbed in the back. I wish he did get stabbed in the back. I thought, perfect time to make my move. I went over and introduced myself to my future wife. I asked her if she needed help to her next class and we discovered that we both have gym together! It was like destiny, biology and gym together! We we're so made for each other.

So as we travelled to our next class I told her about how I used to live in California and ask her a couple of question. But guess what? We both have English at the same time! I was so thrilled and I knew God wanted me to be with Bella!

I asked Bella if she stabbed Edward Cullen and she cringed at his name! This shows that she is totally into me and not Edward Cullen. He gave her the death stare and ran away from her, which is not sexy. I don't give girls death stares, which makes me so sexy.

Well, before I let her go get changed in the girl's locker room, she smiled at me! This is proof that she loves me as well and wants to marry me and have 3 kids a dog and make me pie. Mmm….pie.

Uh…I have to stop writing now Log, Mom is getting pissed at me for not doing my homework. I hate homework…I should get a study buddy…maybe Bella will be my study buddy!

Bye Log


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey Guys/Gals or whatever you wanna be. Some wanna be vampires, some wanna be pirates and some wanna be ninjas. Not me! I wanna be a mermaid! I know…I have no life. **

**Please review! (I like them a lot!) It kinda bugs me knowing that people are putting my story in favourites and story alerts but not actually reviewing them. So can you please review them before you put it as your story alert or whatever? Thanks!**

Dear Log,

Out of all the girls I know besides Angelina Jolie, Bella Swan is the hottest of them all! She is so hot that every time I see her I sweat really badly. Log, I can't even lift up my armpits without showing off my wet sweat patch to the world. How embarrassing! And Bella would be embarrassed about her future husband having sweat patches. It not my fault she is so hot.

Anyway, Log, I think Bella Swan came to our town and school at the perfect time. The spring dance is coming up and its girl's choice. I know that I'm Bella's first choice. I have rejected most girls just so I can go with her. Okay…that was a lie, no one has asked me yet but don't tell Mom about that!

I watched her all day during all the classes we had together. Expect PE, because when I was staring at her amazing body and pillow hair I kept getting hit in the head by the ball. But, every time I got hit I looked at Bella and she gave me one of those sexy grins and asked if I was all right.

I told her yes every time, I don't wanna look like a wuss in front of her! How un-sexy and un-manly. She totally craves my sexy body and rock hard abs.

After school I went with Eric, Tyler and other dudes to the local café near by the school. We were goofing around and making jokes between us. And then, Log, God was sent another miracle! Bella Swan arrived at the same café! I went over and greeted her because that's how cool I am.

She said hi to me and I was about to ask her out on a date (and to the back of my car) but before I could she told me her Dad was waiting for her inside and I did not want to get her Dad to give a talk about dating his daughter. So I let her pass and told her I'll see her at school.

But this is the most embarrassing part. Tyler and Eric told me to do my special dance. You know, the one where I shake my ass. And I forgot that Bella was inside and totally saw me! It was so awkward and the worst part was her Dad aka Chief Swan also saw me. He is totally gonna give me the dating my daughter talk.

Not sexy.

But thank God I left before her. Me and the guys went cruising around Forks singing loudly to 'Baby Got Back'. That is a damn good song. I couldn't help but think of Bella Swan when the words 'making me so horny' came up. I sang the loudest. And I couldn't help to my Mike Newton dance. It's the greatest dance in the world.

Now diary, I mean Log! LOG! I have something very very very important to tell you. Will you promise not to tell anyone else? You promise? Oh yeah, you're a book you can't tell anything unless they read you! Note to Mike: Hide this book under my bed. Yes no one will find it there!

MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

My secret is:

I think the Cullens see dead people!

I know how am I going to prove this to Bella and my other friends? Its impossible but I know if I prove that the Cullens can see dead people they will be kicked out of Fork forever and Bella will have no lab partner…I'll have to somehow ditch my partner to be Bella's but I'll sort that out once I get Cullen out of the way.

OOOH! MUM IS MAKING CHEESE THINGS!!! YAY! I must go now! I shall finish this later. I will now place you under my bed.


	3. Chapter 3

**SORRY ABOUT ALL YOU PEOPLE WAITING FOR THE NEXT PAGE OF MIKE'S DIARY! But thank you for all the reviews I'm getting. I love them all and if I could I would buy you all a cookie. Have fun with this chapter and please review!!!**

Dear Log,

Mike here! Who else would it be? Your mother? Hahaha! You don't have a mother. That was a joke if you didn't get it. You're a book; books don't have mommies…or daddies. They have authors but authors are people who had their sexual organs removed and have nothing else to do but write books. I'm so glad that I'm not an author! **(A/N: This is a joke!) **

So I asked Bella if she was going to ask me to the Spring Dance? I totally thought she would say yes but she didn't. Instead she said she was going to Phoenix that weekend. I didn't know whether she was lying and already has a date or telling the truth. I bet she was telling the truth because she totally told Eric and Tyler the same thing. (They'll never get a chance with my future wife!)

But the weird thing was after Bella told me why she wasn't going to the dance she told me to asked Jessica. You know, that nice girl, cute and funny, well I think Bella is trying to do some match making because she totally hooked Angela and Eric up. I don't think it will work out.

I had this dream the other night; I was at Spring Dance with Jessica. It was okay…ish. We were just dancing and having an all right time. And then a gust of wind burst through the gym doors and there was Bella in her dress. I gasped. Everyone made way for her and watched her walk gracefully towards me. She had a huge smile on her face. I was so happy. Then she took my hand and we dance all night.

And then we were about to kiss but Mom woke me up. I wanted to kill Mom for waking me up before I get to kiss Bella. I wish my dreams were quicker that way I would be able to kiss Bella before Mom wakes me up.

I hope when I do kiss Bella, my Mom won't pull me away from her. If she does, then I'm totally going to run away from home with Bella and we'll get married in Vegas and have lots of children and live in a huge house. And then after my Mom is dead, I'll come back to Forks with Bella and our children and we'll make pie.

Blueberry pie! Because that is the best damn kind of pie there is!

Jessica came up to me after English and she asked me to the dance. Of course not to disrespect Bella's wishes, I said yes. I looked over at her to make sure I was doing the right thing. She gave me an approval smile.

"Great!" Jessica interrupted my thoughts. "Angela and I will be going shopping this afternoon for dresses! See you tomorrow." I can't believe what I was doing but I stopped her.

"Jessica?" I asked.

"Yes?" She said.

"I think we should all organise a trip to La Push." I can't believe I was saying this. But I had a plan. My plan was to invite Jessica, Angela, Ben, Eric, Tyler and Bella (my future wife) to La Push, there I can show off my talents of surfing and swimming. Also, when everyone will be in the water I'll be with Bella and then she'll realise her love for me.

Do you know what the best part of our plan is? NO EDWARD CULLEN!

YES!

Bye Diary


	4. Chapter 4

**HEY EVERYONE! THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS, I LOVE THEM ALL WITH ALL MY HEART! Um, AliceCullen784 and TwlightSkyBlue have pointed out to be that Bella was going to Seattle and not Phoenix that 'weekend' so I'm sorry and I will make a bunch of chocolate cakes for you guys! Also TwilightSkyBlue pointed out there is no café scene in the book, I totally forgot about that because that actually happened in the movie! Don't you guys remember the Mike Newton dance in the movie? I do it all the time! I'm getting a t-shirt that says 'Do the Mike Newton!' and 'Team Mike, because his has normal body temperature!' **

**ALSO: I am very sorry it took this long to get up, my computer was crashed and they took it away from me! I had no internet for 6 days! I was so lost!**

Dear Diary…I MEAN LOG! Dear Log,

So I went to La Push today and I guess everyone had the same idea as me and decided to show off their surfing and swimming skills in front of Bella. And everyone is so much better than me! It's so annoying! I hope Bella still likes me. Of course she does, she is my future wife after all.

The one thing that caught my attention when someone mention that Bella invited Edward Cullen. I was like 'Whoa! Back up! Cullen?' he wouldn't fit in with us. He sees dead people like the other Cullen. Expect Dr Carlisle because he's a doctor and doctors don't see dead people. Angela and Jessica seemed to agree when the Cullen thing came up. I did not. Because I am super awesome manly Mike who will kill these freaks one day!

At La Push some Indians came up to us. Tall kids looked older than us. One of them seemed to know Bella. How rude of Bella not to introduce me, her future husband, to them. But I pretended to be nice to them so Bella won't think I'm rude. But then this Jacob guy totally dragged her away saying 'You will hear some scary stories!'

Stories? What kind of stories? I wanna know what stories he was telling her. What if it wasn't a scary story? What if it was gossip about me? Bella cannot know that I still sleep with a blanket at night! He totally ruined my plan of hugging Bella on the cold beach and dancing around the bon fire. I might teach her to Mike Newton Dance.

So Bella totally ditched us for the younger freakishly long hair boy. When I saw him I swear I thought he was a girl and I was gonna wolf whistle. I'm glad I didn't. (A/N: I also thought Jacob looked like a girl in the film!) I watched him the whole time as they walked up and down the beach talking. I bet he was telling her to ditch us. HOW RUDE!!!!

OH CRAP!

I HAVE A BIOLOGY ASSIGNMENT DUE TOMORROW!!!!

BYE


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm here in my house listening to Hamish and Andy (I'm gonna marry Hamish Blake) and because you beautiful reviewers have been waiting for ages for my chapter 4 so here is chapter 5. I'm very sorry for the long wait… my friends very sorry. COOKIES FOR EVERYONE! ****(hands out cookies) THANK YOU!**

Dear Log…

It is offical…I am in love with Bella Swan. I'm going to ask her to marry me. I've already planned the wedding. It will be in the park near the river. I would be waiting for my future wife and watch her walk between the audience. Her dad will cry. My parents will cry. I'll be crying but because I'm so manly I'll stuck it up. She would be wearing the most beautiful dress that Jessica would envy. Everything would be perfect. And she'll be a virgin. I am not a virgin as you can see Log…

OK! I lied…I am a virgin just don't tell Mom…she thinks I've done it when I was playing around with the free condom Mr Matterson gave us in health and I threw it away but Mom saw and I just said

"DON'T TOUCH THAT!!!! IT HAS MY SPERM INSIDE IT!'

And then she asked whom I did and I lied and said it was some girl who is friends of friends with Jessica. She never asked her name again.

So Log, I'm at my parent's shop writing in you because there is NO ONE HERE!!!

**awkward silence**

OMFG!!! They are here…the Cullens. Emmett, the tall buff guy is totally parading around my store! Rosalie the hottie blonde but only cares about Emmett is totally ignoring me. Alice the short ass girl is spinning around. And Jasper is looking at me in a scary way. Where was their brother Edward? He's probably shagging some Swedish girl from Canada.

ALSO…where is my love? My Bella!!!!

BELLA!!!!! I TOTALLY CRAVE YOUR PILLOW HAIR!!!!

BELLA I LOVE YOU!

Why doesn't Bella visit me? I know she's probably studying at home or cooking a pie for Charlie but I wish we could see each other more often. I totally crave her skin!

So the Cullens are in the store snooping around for new gear for their next camping trip. Why do they like to camp so much? I can never see that hottie blonde, Rosalie step outside into the wild. Wouldn't she complain about it ruining her hair? Or now having a nail salon near by?

Speaking of Rosalie, she is so hot! If I could I would tap that but unfortunately her lover boyfriend would beat the hell out of me. He should know that men are fantasizing about her, why is he dating that bimbo? Hottie Rosalie.

BUT! I may think Rosalie is hot but Bella beats her by far, Bella has a brain. I think. Well she should under all that pillow hair of hers!

XOXO

Diary

I MEAN

LOG!


	6. Chapter 6

**HEY BABIES!!! I was reading through some lovely comments of mine when I found a beautiful comment from the amazing Harmony352 asking about Edward being part of Mike's diary, I mean log. Harmony352, he will in the next chapter but you have given me a different idea instead. So please enjoy the notes that were being pasted between our favourite vampire and the loser. Please Review and give me more ideas!**

Dear Edward Cullen

I would really aperciat appleate appreicte be happy that you would stop hitting on my babe. We both totally know that Bella is hot but Bella totally craves me and not you. Not you and your beautiful amazing hair and gorgeous eyes but me! The blonde guy! Manly Mike! So if you wouldn't mind, please back off!

Mike Newton

_Dear Mike Newton_

_I would really appreciate if you would stop giving me these notes and death glares every time I say 'hi' to Bella Swan._

_Edward Cullen_

Dear Edward Cullen

Is it true you got stabbed by Bella with a pencil?

Mike Newton

_Dear Mike Newton_

_Is it true your brain is the size of a walnut?_

_Edward Cullen_

Dear Edward Cullen

You better watch your back, I'll be jumping on it!

Mike Newton

_Dear Mike Newton_

_Would you like to get beaten up by my brother Emmett?_

_Edward Cullen_

Dear Edward Cullen

Back off my girl!

Mike Newton

_Dear Mike Newton_

_She totally wants me and not you_

_Edward Cullen _

Dear Edward Cullen

You smell like a dead deer on the side of the road

Mike Newton

_Dear Mike Newton_

_You are so very immature, no wonder Bella doesn't like you._

_Edward Cullen_

Dear Edward Cullen

YOU'RE A GINGER KID!

Mike Newton

PS: I know your secret…


	7. Chapter 7

**YES I KNOW IT'S SHORT! BUT REVIEW ANYWAY! I KNOW YOU WANT TOO! PS: ANYTHING THAT IS BOLD AND ITALICS IS MIKE'S THOUGHTS. **

**XOXO**

**Popular Galinda**

_Edward's Point Of View_

_I know your secret…what could he mean by that? I look at him with a confused expression then it began clear to me. In Mike Newton's little brain of his, he is singing_

'_**Edward sees dead people! Edward sees dead people! And he doesn't know that I know!'**_

_That boy has so much to learn. I was safe from revealing my family's secret and then moving away from Forks and away from my one true love. Mike Newton is an idiot. _

_I looked over at the stupid boy who was writing furiously in a sort of diary. LOL! Mike Newton owns a diary! I should steal it at night and give it to my Bella as a present. She would gladly enjoy reading it. _

_If only Mike could hear me now. Maybe he does know my secret, I do see people who are dying but turn into hot sexy vampires like myself. If only Mike knew the real me…then life would be interesting…_

Mike Newton's Diary

I am going to commit suicide now. Edward Cullen totally knows that I know his secret. Excuse me whilst I hang myself and cry.

HOW COULD HE KNOW? HE IS A FREAK! I TELL YOU! A FREAK!

I HATE HIM!

I FUCKING HATE HIM!  
I WANT HIM TO DIE!  
NO!  
I WANT HIM TO BE PUT INTO A MINCE MACHINE!

AND THEN HE WILL DIE!  
AND THEN I WILL MAKE A CHILLI OUT OF HIM!

AND GIVE IT TO HIS FAMILY!

AS A PRESENT!  
AND THEY WILL EAT IT!

AND THEN I WILL TELL THEM THAT EDWARD WAS THE MAIN INGREIDENT!

AND THEN I WILL LAUGH!

I saw it in South Park. You know? The episode where Cartman kills Scott Tenderman's parents and then makes a chilli out of them? Well find it and watch it! Its called _Scott Tenderman Must Die_. Season 5. Episode 1.

EDWARD CULLEN MUST DIE!

Love Mike Newton

PS: I hope they have pie for lunch! 

_Edward's Point of View_

_Mike Newton is on crack…_

_There is something wrong with the boy. He is beginning to turn into a complete loser and I don't know what Jessica sees in him. But then again she isn't bright like Mike himself. Those two deserve each other. And Mike has a strange obsession with pie. I'm reading his mind right now and it says:_

_**PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE! **_

_Like I said before…Mike Newton is a strange person. Me? Seeing dead people? Ha, where did he get that? From the _Sixth Sense_? Soon he'll be saying I'm a werewolf. I'll kill him if he calls me a dog. Oh look here comes Bella…my Bella. _

_**I'm gonna fuck her later!**_

_EW MIKE!_

**REVIEW BITCHES!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry for the long wait!!! XOXO Popular Galinda**

_Dear Diary_

_Rosalie here! Anyway, I'm so perfect! Look at my beautiful hand writing, no one can beat that. Well Emmett and I totally shagged last night once again. I love that boy. He's so sexy and promises me anything I want. I like being a bride over and over again. Weddings never go out of style. _

_Today Edward, my 'brother' brought his new girlfriend home. I have discovered that she is an airhead and so bloody selfish. She's not even good looking! How could my brother be in love with her? Thank God Emmett was a smart cookie and chose me over that brunette ugly human. I'll rather marry a werewolf then be with her. _

_Oooh! Emmett has brought me roses! Got to go now and probably give something back to him. I'm kind of in the mood for sex._

_xoxo Rosalie _

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

Dear Log

I am happy.

I have Pie.

Pie makes Mike happy.

Mmm PIE!

Anyway to the serious stuff! Edward Cullen is a freak! I gave him evils today when I saw his arm around my girl. No one should mess with my girl!!! Scratch out mess and no one should TOUCH my girl. That's my job. Cause I'm Mike Newton, sexy man of the year according to Mens Weekly! **(A/N: Made up mag!) **

Well I'm listening to my favourite song at the moment, Single Ladies by Beyonce. When I first heard of it I want it said 'All the Single Babies!' so for a month I went around singing that until Tyler pulled me aside and told me it was Single Ladies. But I don't care. I prefer my baby version! Here is my version of Single Ladies.

All the single babies

All the single babies

All the single babies

All the single babies

All the single babies

All the single babies

All the single babies

PS Log: Babies are fun!!!


	9. Chapter 9

**HEY GUYS!!! I'm sick and since that last chapter was like the shortest thing in the world I am posting up another chapter to say sorry. I'm also sorry for the long wait, I've been really busy with school. And I'm sorry to say that this story will be coming to a end soon. Forgive bitches! XOXO Popular Galinda**

Dear Log

I'm so lonely…

I think I'm going to turn Emo like those Cullens…

Or Goth like those Jacob's people

I bet Bella isn't doing anything exciting…

**Camera shifts away from Mike's diary to a field where the Cullens and Bella are playing baseball…cue the Muse music! Jasper is doing his bat swing, Rosalie lost, Edward is a damn fast running, Alice doing her weird kicks and Emmett being a monkey man…James, Victoria and Laurent enter the picture. James said they brought a snack and totally wants to eat her and some cookies later. Edward and Bella are getting away now.**

Nope, she isn't doing anything exciting.

Jessica did the stupidest thing today! She was singing a song and she sang '_Sweet dreams are made of these…' _What an idiot! Jessica is so blonde it goes '_Sweet dreams are made of peas…'_ That's why I eat all my peas when my mum gives them to me.

I found out something new today! Edward Cullen doesn't only see dead people but he's a vegetarian! And I have to say Bella is going for the wrong guy because Edward Cullen is…gay. You heard me. Queer. **(A/N: Vegetarians are not gay, I live with one and she wants to have sex with Edward…I prefer Jasper! :D) **

Bella is going to be upset and when she finds out the truth I will totally be there for her and be her boyfriend. Cullen should know that she should be with me and no one else. Then Bella and I will marry and she'll make me pie every night! Yay for pie!  And every night we'll have a new kind of pie. This is my pie list:

Monday – Blueberry Pie

Tuesday – Chocolate and Raspberry Pie

Wednesday – Coconut and Cherry Pie

Thursday – Lemon Pie

Friday – Blackberry Pie

Saturday – Apple Pie

Sunday – Create your own pie! Mine will be watermelon pie!

I think Bella will like it! After all she likes pie as much as I do. I should know I asked her myself and she said 'Pie is alright.' But then she slammed her front door in my face saying she has to study.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_As we drove past Mike Newton's house I heard his thoughts. Once again they were about Bella Swan and pie. But I couldn't focus on me I had to keep my mind on Bella's safety from James._

'_You brought a snack' was repeating in my mind over and over again. When I first head him say that he's thought we're filled with pie. Maybe James and Mike should become friends; they seem to love pie a lot! How can Victoria love him?_

**So? Review!**


	10. Chapter 10

**I'm so proud of all of you. ****–sniffs- You've given me 111 reviews. Thank you, you are totally awesome. This next chapter is for my friend Andy Lewis, and I hope he like it and laughs with me and at Mike Newton. I made it extra long for you! If you want detail…then use you're imagination! I love every one of you! xoxo Popular Galinda!**

'_**I wish Mike was so ope**__**nly dumb in the books or movie... but that is the beauty of fan fic.' **_**– DesElements **

Dear Diary

My boyfriend is a vampire. He can run abnormally fast, read minds, attack animals in the forest to eat and has really cold skin. And he is so beautiful. I love him so much and I never want to let him go.

He has not alone shown his side of the world, but saved me from another vampire called James who video taped me whilst I almost died. But I was saved. I wanted to turn into a vampire and be with my Edward but he said no and told me to wait. Meaning it will be a long time until I am a vampire again.

But today, Edward gave me two presents! He gave true love and Mike Newton's diary. Yes, Mike Newton's diary. It's filled with all this information about me and how I'll be his future wife some day. And I can't believe that he thought having a stinky wife would be embarrassing! I don't smell that much…do I?

Well I read through it with Edward and we laughed and laughed the whole night. He read to me in his adorable British accent. My 107-year-old vampire boyfriend has the sexiest voice in the world. I can't help but love him forever and ever. Soon I'll be a vampire and we'll live forever. Well until someone burns us.

Love Bella

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dear Piece of Scrap Paper

SOMEONE HAS STOLEN MY DIARY! I MEAN LOG!

I bet it was Cullen. Stupid Cullen with that British accent, beautiful face and seeing dead people. I bet if I could see dead people I would be the coolest kid in school. I would reunite people with their families who have died long ago.

Seeing dead people is kind of weird and disgusting and can also really gross people out easily. Like that poor kid in that movie where he has a sixth sense and can see dead people walking around. His sixth sense scares the crap out of him and this doctor tries to work out the sixth sense his has. I think its called 'The Boy Who Could See Dead People with Donkeys'…something like that. **(A/N: The film is called Sixth Sense if some of you didn't know that)**

Alright piece of scrap paper, today after I discovered my log went missing from my locker I went up to Cullen and shoved him with my hand. It didn't work because Cullen looked as though I didn't touch him and it really hurt my hand afterwards. So I said to Cullen.

"Oi, Cullen!" That was when I hurt my hand. "You stole something of mine."

"You mean that stupid diary of yours?" Cullen laughed along with his stupid brothers that aren't really his brothers but pretend they are.

"My log." I corrected him.

"Why would I want it? It has nothing to do with me." Cullen told me.

"Cause, Cullen you stole my log because you see DEAD DONKEYS!" I shouted at him.

"What?"

"Cullen sees dead donkeys!" I shouted and walked away from him. I told him off.

He knows that his secret is out now. HAHAHA! Now Bella will know the truth about Cullen and she'll dump him and come to me! I'll have her again with that beautiful pillow hair of hers! MWA HAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAA!

So, piece of scrap paper, I must fold up many times and then rip tiny pieces from you. Then I would roll your scraps into a ball and then throw you in the bin. And then I'll eat a banana and throw the skin onto of you so no one will ever see this. But first…I have to get a banana.

From Mike Newton, sexiest man at Forks High according to Jessica Stanely


	11. Chapter 11

**Hey guys, long time no see! I hope you enjoy this next chapter and I was wondering if you are going to read this story please review and not just hit the 'Fave Story' button. It annoys not only me but also a lot of other authors. I've had discussions with about this issue with other authors. **

**I have also put up a poll for my next story idea, (It's twilight) if possible could you please pick one or two on what you would like to read! **

**Here's an example: Mike as a beast who tries to win fair Bella's heart but she is too distracted by Edward Cullen because he is want the ladies call 'Gaston'. **

**If you did the 'Which Cullen Brother is good for you" quiz on Facebook and your result was Jasper Hale then you totally rock! Cause that's what I got!**

Dear Log

I found you! You were in my locker the entire time. I didn't say sorry to Edward Cullen cause he doesn't deserve it. He already took my future wife! Those damn freakishly pale Cullens! But I've learnt that the Cullens didn't see dead people or their donkeys. Instead they are zombies who want Bella so they can eat her brain. Not cool.

You cannot just use your looks and charms to eat someone's brain! Besides, Bella stinks! Why would they want her brains? She is so dumb! Do you know how dumb she is? She is so dumb that she would rather go out with Zombie Cullen than hang with me! You got to be fucking kidding me!

So, my life basically sucks balls. I tried committing suicide the other night. It didn't work. Bloody Jessica Stanley had to drop off my gum that I dropped on the floor that way. Stupid girl. Didn't see realised I was in the middle of hanging myself? But then again she's always been a stupid girl. Stupid Jessica Stanley always wearing those revealing tops and staring at me. I'm not a piece of meat! Besides she should know that I love Bella Swan and not her. Stupid Jessica.

I wrote a story today diary, for english. It's about a beautiful princess. Here, I'll glue it in you! **(A/N: Gentleman, a pick up line!)**

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess in Forks. You had to respect her father's authority and his badge. His daughter, the beautiful princess, was called Bella. Bella was beautiful inside and out. She was loved by all. But no matter how many princes came and begged for her hand in marriage, Princess Bella refused.

"Princess Bella, will you marry me?" Asked Prince Tyler one day.

"No!" Bella screamed at him and ran off. One day Princess Bella was so feed up on boys trying to become her husband she ran away.

She ran further and further into the forest until she could no longer run. There she sat down under an apple tree. She was unaware that someone was spying on her. A creature that was hidden in the tree exposed itself to the princess. Who is a totally hottie. The creature was very white and slid down to the princess in SPIDER MAN style. Because spider man is so awesome!

"Who are you?" Bella asked.

"I'm Edward." Said the creature.

"What are you?" Asked Bella.

"A Cullen." Said the creature.

"What's a Cullen?" Bella had trouble repeating his words.

"People who have pale skin, British accents, hot hair and can see dead donkeys." Said the Cullen. **(A/N: Yes I know Edward's not british but that is the beauty of fan fiction!) **

"Why are you here?" Bella asked.

"To kidnap you and lock you in a tower far away!" Edward the Cullen picked her up and flew into the air like superman before spitting out webs from his wrist and becoming spider man once again.

The Cullen threw the princess in the tower and left her to straved and die until a handsome prince called Prince Mike of the Newton came and saved the day!

"Oh fair Princess Bella!" Mike called.

"Oh it's a handsome prince!" Bella spotted and waved down at the prince.

"I'll save you!" Magically the prince used his hand and said a few words to lift the princess out of the tower and safely to the ground.

"Oh, Prince Mike!" Swooned Princess Bella. "You saved my life! Marry me right now!"

"Of course, babe." Mike said before flying off to space with his new wife.

The End.

Did you like it, log? Because my English teacher didn't. He wrote this comment on my paper.

_Mr Newton, that is a poorly written story and makes no sense. It seems you believe that Edward Cullen is spiderman and Princess Bella Swan is beautiful. You are wrong because Bella Swan is not beautiful. Also this was suppose to be an engaging plot not a useless piece of shit that you pull out of your dick. Keep your eyes on the board and stop masturbating in my classroom. _

_Mr Geraldton_

Mr Geraldton is a prick. Just like Cullen. He must be one of them…a cousin of a Cullen. Also Mr Geraldton doesn't believe in spiderman or Santa. So he fails once again!

Well, I must leave you now, Log. Mother has made another pie and it's Cherry!

**If you look like Bella Swan please join the "I look like Bella Swan where is my Edward Cullen?" Club. Because most of us girls all look like Bella Swan with our thick brown hair and chocolate eyes but we don't get our own Edward Cullen. I want my Edward to have dark hair!**


	12. Chapter 12 Last Chapter

**HEY GUYS! I'm sorry that it's been so long since I last posted a new chapter. I've been busying 'studying' from my exams. I put studying in quotation marks because I'm studying/facebooking/anything else. Anyway…unfortunately this is my last chapter for Mike's 'diary'. Reason why is because I have to focus on my work. I am very sorry. **

Dear Log

This is my last entry. Because mum is making me throw you out and become a man.

How can I become a manly man without my log? It's IMPOSSIBLE!!!

Well Bella is in hospital because some guy broke her leg but I bet my life it was Edward! Edward is a leg breaker type of guy. The type who seems super awesome but breaks your legs…he isn't cool. Maybe he is one of those girlfriend bashers…he is freakishly strong. Note to Mike: don't punch Edward.

The other day, I invited the gang over to watch a movie. Bella was invited but she's in hospital thanks to Edward Cullen. Anyway, we watched the Lion King, which is super awesome! But then the scene where Simba's daddy dies was super sad! I cried my eyes out but luckily I covered it from the guys by saying that garlic makes my eyes water. They will never know the truth about Manly Mike crying during the Lion King. Which is a super awesome movie!

I think Tyler and Eric are two silly dumbos. Seriously, Tyler almost ran over the beautiful Bella Swan and Eric got dumped by Angela for midget Ben. Ben is awesome but quite short. But they do make a cute couple compared to Cullen and Bella. If Bella was with me we would be the most awesome/cutest/greatest couple at Fork's High. But…no Bella is an airhead and had to run off to freakishly pale Cullen. It sucks balls. And I mean big balls.

But today, a new girl arrived. She had brown hair like Bella's and green eyes. She seems bright and happy compared to when Bella first came to school. Everyone was fighting over her like she was a shiny toy. Silly boys at Fork's High. It's like they don't know that Bella exist anymore. They are all fond of the new girl.

**(A/N: Yes I know there is no new girl in the series but I thought most of you authors would like to be in the Twilight series…even as a background character)**

Her name was Jackie. She was happy and bouncy and clicked onto our group quite quickly. Angela and Jessica are always gossiping whatever gossip they can get from this small town to Jackie. Jackie just smiles and nods like she knows what they are talking about. She asked about the Cullen's like Bella did but she said 'Interesting…all adopting and found love within their family. How adorable!' But I pointed out happily that Edward is a noob head and shouldn't be dating Bella Swan. I couldn't believe that the girl agreed with me and said 'Why would any date a ginger kid?'

At last! Someone finally agrees with Manly Mike Newton! He is a ginger kid! He's pale, he has almost red hair and he is weird. A ginger kid! This girl has only been at the school for one day and already understands how gay looking Edward Cullen is. I thought she was a full Cullen hated until she said 'Emmett is very good looking, Rosalie is so lucky.' I thought she was on my side. But I guess she wasn't. Bitch.

Of course Stephanie Meyer didn't pay attention to her either. This girl is nice and new to our town and Meyer just ignored her like she was a piece of shit. I can say shit now because mum is making me delete my log. Lol..delete. I need some food.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have returned with food. After trekking for an hour to that local café that Charlie hangs out in. I saw him on the way there and gave him a small wave. He likes me. I think. He better since I will be his future son in law. I like that…son in law…sounds like I'm part of the mafia. But I can't be part of the mafia cause Charlie is a cop and he won't let me marry his daughter.

I wonder if I marry Bella if she'll keep her maiden name or stick both our surnames together or have my surname. Bella Newton…it has a nice ring to it. She would wear a traditional white dress with something, old, new, borrowed and I'll give her something blue. That blue would be a blueberry pie recipe. Everyone loves pie!

Our wedding would right here in Forks! I would invite everyone I know and the people who I love most…my parents, my uncles and aunties, Bella and her family. I would invite everyone I know. Except Edward Cullen and my brother. **(A/N: How do you know he doesn't have a brother?)**

My brother, Paul is such a douche bag. He thinks Bella Swan is the ugliest girl in Forks. He likes Jessica who I dated for a while but she isn't my type. She's too annoying and always says obvious things. Paul is such an idiot not to see how cool Bella is. He's a douche bag. Oh I already said that…I'll say…moron on a stick.

Well diary, as you know this is my final log entry. Mother is making me throw you out for good. So remember, Edward is an idiot, Bella is beautiful and my brother is a douche.

Bye Log

I'll Miss You!

**Whoa! OMG if you type in 'mike newton twilight brother' my story is second on the list! You guys should try it with your stories!!!**


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